Tony's takes: Ranking the worst fall wedding dates for the coming season

My sister Maggie got engaged at the beginning of the month, and instantly a pit began to grow in my stomach. It had nothing to do with her relationship with her fiancé, Grant. He’s easy to talk to, and they seem very happy together.

My concerns were more self-centered. Maggie is a great girl, but when it comes to college football, she’s just a casual fan. Grant’s more or less the same way. Nothing wrong with that — to each their own.

It’s just that summer engagements with non-football fans are a lot like when warm ocean waters mix with moist gulf air. Things seem innocent enough at first, and then they create some of the South’s worst disasters from August to November.

Much to my relief, Maggie announced last week that she and Grant will be getting married next summer. See, I told you they were good people.

While I was able to avoid a fall-wedding warning, others won’t be as lucky. The annual catastrophes are sure to lay waste to college football plans across the Southeast this fall, and God bless anyone who finds themselves swept up in their wake.

While most fall weddings are well locked into their path of destruction, this column will serve as a forecast of which ones will cause the most damage to football fans this fall.

With that said, pour yourself a drink, and let’s dive in.

This one goes out to all the considerate non-fall brides. As for those who choose to subject their friends and family to a fall wedding, they deserve something more bitter and less thought out.

The White Lady is essentially the gin version of the popular Sidecar cocktail (brandy, orange liqueur, lemon juice), but it also incorporates an egg white which creates a silky smooth texture. Unlike fall brides, who force us to choose between family bonds and fall hobbies, this drink is all about togetherness, merging notes of citrus and botanicals.

To make the White Lady, you’ll need an ounce and a half of gin, half an ounce of Orange Curaçao, three-fourths of an ounce of lemon juice and one egg white.

Add all the ingredients into a shaker and shake without ice. Then add ice into the shaker and shake again. From there, strain the mixture into a chilled glass and enjoy.

Cheers!

(Commercial break: My drink of the week section is now sponsored by my friends at Session Cocktails in Tuscaloosa. Session has been a mainstay in Tuscaloosa’s cocktail scene since 2019 and offers some of the tastiest drinks in town. Stop by and tell them I said hi!)

The college football season officially kicks off on Aug. 24 when Florida State takes on Georgia Tech in Dublin, Ireland. Alabama won’t begin its season until a week later when it hosts Western Kentucky. Although, as you’ll see, fall weddings still have a way of ruining weekends even when the Crimson Tide isn’t playing.

For this exercise, we’re only looking at fall wedding dates scheduled on Saturdays. Couples who scheduled their fall weddings on Fridays and Sundays get a little bit more grace from me, but they’re still part of the problem.

Here’s a ranking of fall wedding dates from most tolerable to completely deplorable for all 15 weeks of the regular season.

15 — Week 0 (Aug. 24)

Alabama’s game: None

Other notable games: Florida State vs. Georgia Tech (Dublin)

From an Alabama perspective, this one is pretty forgivable. The whole notion of a Week 0 is confusing, so any couples who scheduled their date here get a free pass. While it’s fun to celebrate the return of college football, Crimson Tide fans wouldn’t be missing much here.

14 — Week 4 (Sept. 21)

Alabama’s game: None

Other notable games: Tennessee at Oklahoma, USC at Michigan, N.C. State at Clemson, Utah at Oklahoma State

This is the first of two open weekends Alabama will have this season. While Tide fans wouldn’t have to worry about missing their team, they’d be deprived of a few decent matchups. Ultimately, this is a rather acceptable date as well.

13 — Week 10 (Nov. 2)

Alabama’s game: None

Other notable games: Ohio State at Penn State, Oregon at Michigan, Louisville at Clemson

This is Alabama’s second and final open week of the season. While the Tide isn’t playing, the matchups around the nation are a bit better than the previous two weeks on this list. Still, it's probably not worth straining a relationship over Ohio State at Penn State.

12 — Week 12 (Nov. 16)

Alabama’s game: vs. Mercer, 1 p.m. CT

Other notable games: Tennessee at Georgia

Here’s where things get a bit interesting. This is the first time on this list that Alabama fans would be deprived of watching their team. Then again, the Tide’s starters shouldn’t be in the game for long in what should be a bludgeoning of FCS opponent Mercer. Outside of Alabama, Tennessee’s trip to Georgia might be worth tuning into. That makes this date a little bit more annoying.

11 — Week 2 (Sept. 7)

Alabama’s game: vs. South Florida, 6 p.m. CT

Other notable games: Texas at Michigan, N.C. State vs. Tennessee (Charlotte)

We’re moving out of the acceptability zone. Hopefully, Alabama’s Week 2 matchup against South Florida is more entertaining than the eyesore we saw in Tampa last year. Even if it isn’t, this is still a home game against an FBS opponent.

10 — Week 6 (Oct. 5)

Alabama’s game: at Vanderbilt, TBD

Other notable games: Auburn at Georgia, Missouri at Texas A&M, Michigan at Washington, Clemson at Florida State

If you were being flexible before, it’s time to start seriously thinking about drawing a line. Missing an open week is fine, a few blowout non-conference games? Sure. But this is an SEC matchup. Even if you can’t attend games on the road, there are a few really good games to tune into throughout the day.

9 — Week 3 (Sept. 14)

Alabama’s game: at Wisconsin, 11 a.m. CT

Other notable games: Oregon at Oregon State

An anticipated matchup against Wisconsin probably deserves to be further down this list, but this one could be saved by its kickoff time. Alabama fans not traveling to Camp Randall could see most, if not all, of this one before an evening wedding. There’s also not much on the docket for the rest of college football.

8 — Week 13 (Nov. 23)

Alabama’s game: at Oklahoma, TBD

Other notable games: Texas A&M at Auburn, Army vs. Notre Dame (Bronx, NY)

Here’s another anticipated matchup but perhaps one that many Alabama fans won’t be able to attend in person. Regardless, this could end up being a good game and could have playoff and Heisman Trophy implications. There are a ton of great matchups around the nation, but an invitation on this date would still be a tough sell.

7 — Week 7 (Oct. 12)

Alabama’s game: vs. South Carolina, 11 a.m. CT

Other notable games: Florida vs. Tennesee (Jacksonville, Fla), Ole Miss at LSU, Texas vs. Oklahoma (Dallas), Ohio State at Oregon

South Carolina shouldn’t give Alabama any trouble, but this is still an SEC home game. Things only get better across the nation, as you have the Red River Rivalry (Oklahoma vs. Texas), the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party (Florida vs. Tennessee) and perhaps the game of the season between Ohio State and Oregon.

6 — Week 1 (Aug. 31)

Alabama’s game: vs. Western Kentucky, 6 p.m. CT

Other notable games: Clemson vs. Georgia (Atlanta), Miami at Florida, Notre Dame at Texas A&M

Scheduling a wedding on the first real week of college football isn’t just inconsiderate, it’s a statement. If you were invited to a wedding on this date, know that the bride and groom not only don’t care about college football, they despise it. They also don’t care about Alabama football history, as this will be the first game of the Kalen DeBoer era.

I’d think carefully about keeping these people in your life. At the very least, you need to send an equally strong message by not attending.

5 — Week 9 (Oct. 26)

Alabama’s game: vs. Missouri, TBD

Other notable games: LSU at Texas A&M, Oklahoma at Ole Miss, Florida State at Miami, Michigan State at Michigan, Notre Dame vs. Navy (East Rutherford, NJ)

The people who sent you a wedding invitation for this date are essentially the bizarro version of Roll Tide Willie. There’s no better way to say “I don’t give a piss about n̶o̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ the Tide” like scheduling a wedding on Alabama’s homecoming game. Alabama’s game against Missouri could be a top-10 matchup inside Bryant-Denny Stadium. It'll provide much more entertainment than hors d'oeuvres and a jazy cover band.

4 — Week 11 (Nov. 9)

Alabama’s game: at LSU, TBD

Other notable games: Oklahoma at Missouri, Georgia at Ole Miss, Florida State at Notre Dame

We’ve reached true diabolical territory here. It's always electric when Alabama and LSU meet inside Tiger Stadium, and this year shouldn’t be any different. This game will have huge implications on Alabama’s playoff chances and should be one of the Tide’s best matchups of the year. Speaking of the College Football Playoff, there will be several other great games to watch across the nation.

3 — Week 8 (Oct. 19)

Alabama’s game: at Tennessee, TBD

Other notable games: Georgia at Texas

The Third Saturday in October shouldn’t be taken for granted. There’s no guarantee that this rivalry will remain a yearly event with the possibility of a 1-7 scheduling model. This will also be DeBoer’s first trip to Knoxville, Tennessee and should be one of the best matchups of the season. Crimson Tide fans won’t want to miss out on the opportunity to light one up following DeBoer’s first win over the Volunteers.

2 — Week 5 (Sept. 28)

Alabama’s game: vs. Georgia 6:30 p.m. CT

Other notable games: Louisville at Notre Dame, Arizona at Utah, Oklahoma State at Kansas State

I actually feel sorry for anyone who has a wedding on this date. Maybe you scheduled it far in advance. Surely, you didn’t know it would fall on Alabama’s biggest matchup of the season and one of the top games on the college football schedule. Either way, go ahead and plan for fewer seats than you originally expected.

This will be one of the biggest games inside Bryant-Denny Stadium in recent memory. It’s DeBoer’s first big test at Alabama and the chance for the Tide to send a message to the rest of college football. If you can be there, don’t miss it.

1 — Week 14 (Nov. 30)

Alabama’s game: vs. Auburn

Other notable games: Oklahoma at LSU, Texas at Texas A&M, Michigan at Ohio State, Florida at Florida State, Notre Dame at USC

The couple who sent you this wedding invitation isn’t from Alabama. If they are, petition your local representative to have them forcibly removed from the state.

This wedding date is a perfect storm of chaos, cruelty and inconvenience. Let’s put college football’s biggest rivalry to the side for a moment. Shoot, let’s ignore all the rest of the nation’s biggest games while we’re at it. Who would schedule a wedding two days after Thanksgiving?

Surely this hypothetical couple isn’t real. However, if the Beelzebubs invite you to their big day, don’t go.

This year will mark DeBoer’s first Iron Bowl and will give Alabama a chance to hang five straight wins over Auburn for the first time in over 40 years.

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That about settles it. There are a few safe Saturdays in early December available for those still looking for a wedding date this year. However, spring and summer weddings are highly preferred. Then again, looking at the team Nate Oats assembled, you might want to keep March and early April open as well.