SEC Power Poll: SEC teams as Halloween monsters
This is normally a mild-mannered Power Poll. But once a year, Halloween weekend rolls around and the normally friendly Power Poll turns into the SEC Terror Poll, with every team's true, sometimes frightening, identity revealed. Be warned! It can be scary, although if you survived a gory slaughter-fest like the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," or, even worse, last week's Arkansas-Auburn game, you should be OK.
(Last week's ranking in parentheses)
1. Alabama (1) -- Godzilla. Sure there are other scary characters in the league, but c'mon. Who's going to beat a team that's 60 feet high, can breathe fire, has defensive linemen who can fly and freshmen who materialize from nowhere and knock your teeth out.
2. Auburn (4) -- Zombie Apocalypse. OK, admit it. You thought they were dead. You made jokes about them, and pinned "Kick Me" signs to the back of their jerseys. You forgot about them. Then you look up a few weeks later and here they come, walking down the street and mauling everything in their path. Especially Hogs. So now, you've got to figure out some way to stop them. And it won't be easy.
3. LSU (3) -- Swamp Thing. Ed Orgeron jokes are so easy. You know you shouldn't do it, but you can't resist. And in the meantime, Leonard Fournette has just been resting somewhere in the bayou, waiting for his chance to drag you into the miasma -- or the end zone, at least.
4. Texas A&M (2) -- Predator. They come from a strange and alien world (Texas). They are big and scary and definitely rank near the top of the horrifying creature echelon in the SEC West. But not even Predator is going to do much with Godzilla. Especially not at Godzilla's House.
5. Florida (6) -- The Wicked Witch of the West. They're mean. They're green. But if you ask LSU athletic director, they also have a deathly fear of getting wet. (Mop bucket or hurricane, either way.)
6. Ole Miss (5) -- Beetlejuice. Usually entertaining, sometimes scary and they'll go away if you can make them say "NCAA" three times in a row.
7. Tennessee (7) -- Frankenstein's Monster. Like the horror icon himself, UT keeps losing parts and sewing together other parts to keep going. Also, the monster and Butch Jones go the same hair stylist.
8. Arkansas (8) -- The Blob. That's nothing to do with any family resemblance to Bret Bielema. It's more to do with moving sooo slooow on defense. Sure, they might stop you if you run right into them, but they aren't catching anybody.
9. Georgia (10) -- Little Nicky. I know, I know -- too easy. But isn't there at least a small bit of truth in comparing losing to Vanderbilt and appearing in an Adam Sandler movie?
10. Kentucky (11) -- The Harvey Keitel character in "From Dusk To Dawn." They didn't want to be here. They were just driving the RV to a basketball game. Now here they are, having to fight all these monsters. The outcome is inevitable. But they are doing their best and that deserves some respect.
11. Mississippi State (9) -- The Headless Horseman. Sorry, guys, putting a pumpkin in there just isn't going to replace Dak .
12. Vanderbilt (12) -- Purple-haired Minions. They're small. They're gold. They're cute. But if you don't watch them carefully, they might go crazy on you when you least expect it.
13. South Carolina (14) -- Jigsaw. The sadistic center of the "Saw" movies has devised just about every kind of cruel torture imaginable. But at least he never made anyone watch the South Carolina offense.
14. Missouri (13) -- The kids wandering around the woods in "Blair Witch Project. "Where are we?" "We're lost." "Why did we come here?" "I liked it better in our old conference." "This is scary." "What's that? A bunny? "No, it's a Middle Tennessee State football player." "Should we tackle it?" "Too late, it just scored." "Why do they keep doing that?" "I just want to go home!!!!"