Alabama Crimson Tide Record: 9-0 (6-0)
What if all the SEC teams moved to the suburbs, or a surrounding area, like the Atlanta Braves? Alabama could play in Moundville, defeated opponents stacked neatly and filed away in large hills. Rumor is that the spirit of Les Miles rises at midnight and gnaws the grass of his particular mound, which is getting pretty tall at this point.
Missouri Tigers Record: 8-1 (4-1)
I haven't been to Columbia often enough to know if it has suburbs, but the Tigers could always play somewhere around St. Louis, which would at least move them a little closer to the other teams in the East.
Auburn Tigers Record: 9-1 (5-1)
Loachapoka would be perfect. They probably haven't heard of the forward pass there, either.
South Carolina Gamecocks Record: 7-2 (5-2)
Spurrier actually seems grouchy enough (and golf-y enough) to fit in at Hilton Head, though it is a bit of a hike. One could find Jadaveon Clowney washed up on the beach after being double-teamed by a killer whale and Nemo.
Texas A&M Aggies Record: 8-1 (4-2)
I would suggest Bryan, but Johnny Manziel scrambles through there regularly as he eludes opposing defense. Maybe Brenham, the home of Blue Bell Ice Cream, would work for the Aggies' soft-serve defense.
Georgia Bulldogs Record: 6-3 (3-3)
Reversing the trend, the Bulldogs could move to Turner Field. Don't they share a history with the Braves anyway? Isn't the 1995 World Series just a baseball version of the magic Herschel season, followed by a seemingly endless streak of promising-looking, talent-squandering shortfalls?
Ole Miss Rebels Record: 6-3 (3-3)
Batesville is beckoning, even though the Rebel roster isn't 75 percent composed of South Panola players as it has been in the past.
LSU Tigers Record: 7-3 (4-3)
LaFayette is just an hour to the West. The Tigers could just push the resident ULL Ragin' Cajuns into the nearby swamp and take over, protected by an alligator-filled barrier from that mean old Nick Saban.
Vanderbilt Commodores Record:6-3 (3-3)
Franklin, of course. It is already named for their coach which, after wins over Florida and Georgia, it probably should be.
Florida Gators Record: 4-5 (3-4)
Lake Buena Vista, the home of Disney World, would be the perfect place to commemorate the most Mickey Mouse season in recent Gator history.
Mississippi State Bulldogs Record: 4-5 (1-4)
I don't think Starkville actually has suburbs, but there is the Noxibee Wildlife Refuge, where the fans could merrily clang their cowbells at passing raccoons.
Tennessee Volunteers Record: 4-6 (1-5)
Oddly, the little Smoky Mountain hamlet of Lake City, Tenn., officially changed its name to "Rocky Top" last week., clearly a preliminary move to stealing the Vols and putting them in a 6,500-seat high school stadium. Which, given the way things have been going, would probably work out for everyone.
Arkansas Razorbacks Record: 3-7 (0-6)
Bentonville, the world headquarters of Wal-Mart, which is so appropriate for Bret Bielema that it needs no further explanation.
Kentucky Wildcats Record: 2-7 (0-5)
Frankfort. There is plenty of bourbon, the best antidote to a year of Kentucky football.